


Wait a Minute Mr. Postman

by EndoratheWitch



Series: Gotham Nights [9]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Harley Quinn (Comics), Suicide Squad (2016), The Joker - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Lost Mail, Postman - Freeform, Revenge, Sex, Torture, Violence, murderous clown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 20:21:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12116508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndoratheWitch/pseuds/EndoratheWitch
Summary: When a package of Harley's goes missing, she gets just a little upset.





	Wait a Minute Mr. Postman

Joker purred and leaned in to nibble Harley's ear as he slid his hand under her tiny skirt to cup and squeeze her rear. 

Joker chuckled. “Mm...so round.” 

He squeezed her again, wiggling his ungloved fingers along her softly skin causing Harley to giggle and playfully smack his shoulders. 

“J!” 

“I don't know what you expected coming over and distracting me from my work sweets, wearing that tiny little skirt.” Joker grinned his wide perfectly white grin and proceeded to lick her ear again. 

Harley was sitting on his lap at the desk where he had, only moments before, been working; diagrams and plans lay scattered all over the desk's surface. She had simply leaned over the back of his chair and kissed his ear before she stepped around and asked him if he liked her new skirt, which then involved him grabbing her and lifting her onto his lap. 

Joker had Harley straddling his lap now, nibbling on her neck. She was wearing a tiny white skirt, a pair of bright red thongs underneath, and a little black and red bra with little bits of lace making her breasts look like dainty little round cakes that he wanted to nibble on. Her soft, silky blonde hair was loose around her shoulders making her look every inch the little sex kitten she was...all of which made his groin tighten and heat burn through his blood when he looked at her. 

“You are an evil woman coming in here prancing around while Daddy is trying to work.” He giggled, his teeth taking tiny little nips at her shoulder, his socked feet scooting the desk chair, which had wheels, around in a circle while he nibbled.Harley giggled, wiggling on his lap and swinging her legs just a little where they hung off the sides under the arms of the chair. 

Joker wore a pair of green and purple striped boxers along with the sock garters that were holding up his bright purple socks as well as a black sleeveless t-shirt with the Batman symbol on it. His green hair was loose and curling every which way since he had taken a shower half an hour ago even though it was late afternoon. He giggled squeezing her rear. 

Again. 

Harley pouted. “I'm waiting for the post man and I'm getting bored!! He's taking forever puddin. Play with me?” Harley batted her eyes at him, her bottom lip sticking out. Joker sighed. He was always a sucker for her big blue eyes. 

Joker grinned reaching up to brush her cheek with his fingertips. Harley lifted his t-shirt up and ran her hands along his stomach. “Please puddin.” 

Joker chuckled. “What did you order this time sweetums?” 

Harley grinned brightly. “I ordered a whole box full of these red and black teddy bears!! I'm going to decorate with them and turn some of them into love bears of us! And I wanted to dress up a couple for Bob and maybe Frost and the other guys.” 

Joker sighed. “Harley, darling, my baby girl, light of my life...You know you don't have to spend money on teddy bears. I'll steal you as many as you want my sweets.” Joker reached up, taking a golden strand of her hair between his fingers. He played with the long strand of her hair that framed her face for a couple of seconds, rolling it around his milk white finger before giving it a playful tug. Harley giggled. “I know puddin! But these were red and black! They were totally meant for me!” 

Harley grinned and kissed the tip of his long nose. “I had to have them!” 

Joker sighed the sigh of the long suffering who could never argue with a lover's logic. “You didn't have them sent here did you?” 

“No, of course not puddin!! I used that apartment building across the way like you told me to last time. That Mrs. Bird's apartment. By the way; she has finally stopped smelling so bad!” 

Joker grinned. “Oh good. Told you she would eventually.” 

Harley giggled. “So, my package is coming there. I just have to pop across the street again.” 

Joker sighed knowing when he was beaten. “Yes, well...all right. But now you have to do something nice for me since I'm not having a fit about you spending money on teddy bears.” He tugged on the strand of hair pulling her closer so he could lick her lips. 

“Oh I do, do I?” Harley grinned tugging his t-shirt up while she talked until he realized what she wanted. He let go of her hair and raised his arms over his head, allowing her pull the shirt off of him. Harley leaned forward to run her tongue along his nipples earning herself a hiss of pleasure from Joker. 

“So what do you want me to do puddin?” Harley grinned, wrapping her hands around his waist before grabbing one of his nipples between her teeth and tugging. Joker groaned rubbing his hands up her back while at the same time spinning the chair slowly on its wheels. Harley continued to nibble her way up his chest until she came to his snow white neck and started to tug at his ear with her teeth. “What do you want puddin,” she whispered hotly against his ear, making him shiver with delight. “Tell Harley.” She giggled in his ear. 

Joker reached up Harley's back, his fingers crawling lightly up her spine like little spiders, and with skill born of long practice, he unhooked her bra with ease. Harley giggled, the feeling of relief, escaped when her bra popped open, made her smile. She leaned back just a little bit, letting the straps of her bra fall off her shoulders. Joker grinned, his eyes shifted to gaze at her while he hooked his fingers around the straps of her bra and slowly tugged them down her silky arms, revealing her breasts like the surprise at a magic show. 

Joker's grin spread wide across his face. “Oh, I do love those wondrous creamy confections,” he murmured staring at her breasts. 

Harley dropped her bra to the floor and draped her arms around his neck while Joker continued to slowly spin them around in the desk chair. He stared at her breasts and licked his lips. 

“Make 'em jiggle Harley.” He grinned like a little boy seeing breasts for the first time. 

Harley giggled and wiggled her hips causing her breasts to bounce. Joker giggled. “Oh I love that!” 

Harley grinned mischievously and narrowed her eyes in thought. “If you want puddin, I can get tassels! Then I can do like some of those old time show girls and swirl them around!” She wiggled her breasts to demonstrate which had Joker laughing. “YES, do that!! You have my permission to order some tassels!” 

He reached up one hand to squeeze one breast gently with a laugh. Harley gave a little squeak when he pinched her nipple, but just as swiftly Joker covered her mouth in a deep kiss, his tongue slipped into her mouth while pressing her up against him, both his hands gliding around her back while he pressed her breasts up against his chest. Harley wrapped her arms around his neck, her fingers grabbing at his hair. 

Joker growled softly breaking the kiss so that he could nibble his way down her neck to her breasts, shifting her position slightly so that he could press her breasts together. This allowed him to go from the nipple of one breast to the other without too much of a distance to cross. Besides, he loved them squished together almost as much as he liked watching Harley's breasts jiggle. Joker squeezed, managing to suck the nipples of both breasts into his mouth. Harley groaned arching her back, her fingers in his hair tugging hard. 

“Oh puddin...” 

Joker stopped spinning the chair (though that was always loads of fun he thought), slowly letting himself slide off the chair as if he were melting butter, dropping to his knees taking Harley with him. 

Harley giggled. “Puddin!!” 

Joker mumbled, his mouth full of her breasts. “Harley, Harley, Harls...” He giggled pinching one of her nipples with his lips. He started tugging at her skirt. “Naked!! NOW!!” he demanded. 

Harley laughed throwing her head back and squealing along with her laughs when Joker's fingers started to play along her sides. Joker was tickling her at the same time he was struggling to tug her skirt and thong off. “Why is everything so difficult to get off of you!” he growled when the skirt refused to move lower than her hips. 

Harley laughed. “It has a zipper and I can't get it when you're sitting between my legs puddin!” 

Joker growled and dropped back on his rear freeing her from under him and crossed his arms over his chest with annoyance. “Fine. Off. Now!!” Harley giggled pushing herself up, arching her back off the floor while she slipped both the tiny skirt and the thong down, then she sat up in order to yank them the rest of the way down her legs. 

Joker grabbed them as soon as the tiny bits of clothing were at her feet, throwing them across the room. “FINALLY!” Joker pounced on top of her making “num num” noises burying his face between her breasts, laying across her and squeezing them together again. Harley yelled and squealed with laughter especially when he started blowing raspberries between her breasts. 

“PUDDIN!!” Harley kicked, shoving at his shoulders at the same time, but he refused to stop laughing or blowing raspberries. Harley felt that warm tingle she loved that only her Mistah J could (and the only one she would ever allow to) cause when his playful teasing turned to sensual arousal. Joker stopped blowing raspberries and began the slow licking of her nipples, sucking one at a time into his mouth between his cheery red lips, his warm wet tongue rolling over the sensitive flesh. 

“Oh puddin...” Harley moaned. 

Joker grinned. “You like that Harls...? Mmm...? 

“Oh, you know I do puddin.” Harley caressed his hair gently, her fingers tightening when he would drag his teeth over her, then soften when Joker would suck gently. Joker groaned feeling her warm body under his; he liked to run his pale fingers over her skin, luxuriating at how soft she was...how creamy and all his...always his girl. He needed to be inside her, buried in her warmth. “Grrr...Harley...” 

Joker moved quickly, shoving his boxers down. Harley desperately reached down to help him, pushing the silky material past his rear, which she grabbed handfuls of and squeezed. He giggled when she squeezed his rear, yanking his boxers down his legs and with a little awkward maneuvering, he pulled them off complete, leaving the socks and sock garters on. 

He rose up on his knees, pushing Harley's legs wide. He was about to plunge himself into her, but he stopped for a moment, just staring down at her, naked, her legs spread wide, that glorious smile of hers stretched across her face. Her arms were draped lazily over her head as she smiled at him, her blonde hair spread out around her like a halo. Joker's heart twisted hard in his chest. He would do anything for her, anything in the world. He would burn the world if she wanted...Joker licked his lips grinning at the slightly lust swollen look of her rosy lips, the blue of her eyes glowing under her lashes, the way her hair curled in soft waves. Joker bit his bottom lip. He wanted to fuck her, he thought with pleasure...wanted to hear her groan and gasp.... 

Harley smiled. “Whatcha thinking about puddin?” 

Joker grinned grabbing himself and sliding against her, making himself wet with her. “Thinking about how good fucking you is going to feel.” 

Harley giggled arching her back. “Are you?” 

“Oh I am Harley! What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?” Joker giggled, licking his lips while he continued to rub himself against her, enjoying feeling the warmth and wetness of her, which was earning him the delightful little gasps and groans from her when the head of his erection passed over her clitoris. He reached down with his other hand, his tumb storking over her too. 

Harley moaned. “Oh I don't know puddin, what?” 

Joker grinned wide. “A seat belt!” 

Harley blinked in surprise, then burst out laughing as the joke settled on her. Joker was laughing too when he let go of himself to drop down over her, teasing her with his tongue at her ear, while sliding himself over all of her, enjoying the smoothness of their bodies rubbing against one another, his hands stroking down her sides. 

Joker groaned. “Roll over Harley.” 

She smiled doing as he requested. He pressed up against her ass, pressing just a little then. Oh God, he thought, can't decide how to have her! Joker chuckled rolling her back around to face him sitting back on his knees once more. 

Harley giggled. “What's wrong puddin?” 

Joker grinned lopsided. “I want you in all directions at once.” 

Harley grinned. “Oh puddin..” 

Joker grabbed himself, sliding against her clitoris one more time before he shoved himself into her welcoming opening, burying himself deep inside her. Harley moaned low and deep, the feeling of him filling her made her whole body arch slowly, happily. Joker dropped down on his hands over her, his green hair flopping forward just a little, framing his pale face in green curls. Harley ran her hands along his chest arching her hips to meet his thrust. “Puddin...my puddin...” she moaned, the moist wet sounds of his erection plunging into her while her muscles tightened around him, sent quivers through her body. She reached up with one hand and traced his smile with her fingers. Joker licked her fingers, catching one with his teeth. She giggled, pressing her hips up to meet his... Joker hissed with pleasure and started thrusting harder, needing to burying himself in her warmth. First, hard and fast, enjoying that smart smack of flesh against flesh, the wet sounds of their fucking, but then he slowed down, taking his time to feel every inch of himself being enveloped by her. 

Harley brought her legs up to wrap around his waist, thrusting her hips to meet him. Joker grabbed her legs, bringing them up over his shoulders, his hands wrapping around her knees. 

They moved together panting as one. Joker rolled his hips, biting the inside of his cheek so that he wouldn't climax too soon, but damn she felt so good. Plus, looking down at her, watching the way her breasts jiggled with each of his thrusts, it was almost more than a man could take. He let go of her knees, leaning forward a bit to drag his hands down her torso before grabbing one of her legs and rotating her hips until Harley was on her side. The sensation of her rolling around his erection was almost too much, but he pressed his long pale fingers into her flesh holding himself back with effort. 

Harley arched her back cooing softly. “Ooh Mistah J...uuh J!” 

Joker's grin was lopsided. He pressed his hands into her hip and began to move with deep hard thrusts, not rushing, though he wanted to pound, to hear his hips slamming against her. Harley raised her right leg up, and Joker hooked his arm under her thigh, pressing her leg forward, her calf hooked around his back while he fucked harder, pressing as deep as he could possibly go. 

“Uuhh..Harley...” He moaned as his eyes fluttered. 

She came with a deep cry, her whole body arching. Joker watched her, grinning when she shoved her knuckles between her teeth. She moaned. “Oh puddin...yes...” Joker picked up his thrusts, rolling his hips, yanking her leg up higher until her knee was around his shoulder. He leaned in, pounding harder. Damn it, he didn't want to rush, but feeling that flood of heat from her, the way she was biting her knuckles and whimpering his name. It was just too much. When Harley arched with a cry of a second orgasm, he came with her, a long groan emanating from his lips, his whole body arching, emptying into her. 

* 

They laid on the floor, Joker's arms wrapped around her. She had her head tucked under his arm, her face snuggled against his chest as Joker ran his long fingers through her hair. “Okay...you going to let me get back to work sweets?” 

Harley sighed with contentment. “Yeah, I suppose so. Oh!” she said as she remembered. “I should go check the mail!” 

Joker laughed sitting up a little reluctantly. “Okay toots, you go check the mail. Daddy is going to go back to devising a plan to make our Batsy smile.” 

Harley squealed hopping to her feet. Joker sat on the floor watching her run across the room naked. He grinned lopsided thinking to himself: maybe he should make her run around naked all the time...no, nope, bad idea. He would never get anything done. 

* 

Harley was dressed in a pair of black leggings, a pair of red high tops and a slouchy red t-shirt that hung off her shoulders and skipped across the street while chewing and blowing bubbles with her gum. She had gathered her hair into a high ponytail which bound as she skipped along after seeing the mail truck pull away from the building. Once inside, after unlocking the main door, Harley made her way up the stairs to the apartment of the dead old lady (most people here thought that Harley was the mean old woman's granddaughter and never bothered to learn anything beyond that.) The box Harley was expecting was big enough that the mail person should have brought it up to the apartment and left it outside the door. Harley had stopped first at the mailbox in the hall, pulling out the key that she wore around her neck (which also held the keys to the main door and the apartment door) and opened the box. Inside were some bills, a few ads and a card from somebody or other. Harley didn't care; she tossed the lot. (The bills for the apartment were taken care of by Bob. He never needed the actual bills so Harley always tossed them.) 

She took the stairs two at a time since the elevator in this building never worked, until she arrived on the fourth floor. She skipped down the hall which looked as if it were part of a horror movie set; the walls were water stained, the rows of apartment doors were warped with peeling paint and the once burgundy rug that ran down the hall was thread-bare and there were old beer bottles littering the corners in groups like huddles of rats. Finally, she reached the old door at the end, apartment 4E. But as she approached, Harley stopped short...there was nothing there. No package. 

She frowned, looking down the hall, nothing. She chewed her bottom lip in worry, pulling the key to the apartment out from where it was hanging on a chain tucked under her shirt. There was no reason the box would be in the apartment. (If it were, surely the police would have been here by now since if anyone walked into the apartment they would have seen Mrs. Bird's rotting corpse in her recliner where Joker had left her after strangling her.) 

But as Harley walked in and closed the door behind her...no box. She frowned, the first tickles of anger gnawing at the edges of her calm. She pulled her phone out of her back pocket to check the tracking on her package. She frowned once she had brought it up. According to the tracking, the box had been delivered! Harley stepped out of the apartment looking down the hall again...no boxes were left out in the hall...maybe someone else had picked it up? She wondered as her eyes narrowed in her growing irritation. 

* 

After nearly an hour of her going to all the apartments in the six floor building, Harley's bottom lip was sticking out. Her package had never been delivered!! That was the only explanation!! 

* 

Back at their apartment across the way, Joker was humming to himself while he worked on a new plan. Sex with Harley had actually jiggled some new ideas loose as he happily wrote out his new ideas. He had only bothered to pull his boxers back on, leaning over his desk when Harley burst in with a cry. “PUDDIN!!” 

Joker groaned tossing his pencil across the desk. “Harley!! I'm trying to work!!” 

He spun around on his wheeled chair then stopped short of yelling again when he saw her face. “Harley? What's wrong cupcake?” 

Harley whimpered. “My box of teddy bears never arrived!! It says delivered on the tracking, but there is nothing there!!” 

She rushed over dropping to her knees and wrapping her arms around his waist as he sat in the chair. Joker wrapped his arms around her in return, pressing her head against his stomach. “Hey, it's all right sweetums.” 

“This is like the third time this has happened!!” Harley pouted 

Joker went still. “What? The third time?” 

“Yeah.” Harley grumbled. “I've lost three deliveries!” 

Joker narrowed his eyes dangerously. “Why didn't you tell me? Is it always the same mailman Harley?” 

Harley looked up resting her chin on his diaphram. “Yeah it is, this short chubby balding guy, looks a lot like that actor Kevin James, except short and not funny.” 

Harley sighed. “I just thought...well I hoped the packages would show up, but they never did...Just didn't want to bother you with it...and well, other packages always showed, just these few...and I was really excited about using those bears to make special gifts for everyone in the gang.” Harley let go of him and slid to the floor to sit cross-legged. She sighed dramatically. “This is so stupid.” 

Joker's lips were a thin line while he leaned over and stroked his fingers through her hair. Harley pouted and leaned against his leg with her head on his knee. 

Joker grumbled. “I really hate it when someone doesn't do their job properly... I mean, that's just rude. Could you imagine how Batman would feel if I just stopped putting any effort into my schemes? He would be insulted! He would think I didn't love him anymore! Like my brother from another mother!” (Here Harley pouted and gave him a playful smack on the thigh causing Joker to laugh. She hated it when he said he loved Batman. He enjoyed making her jealous though.) “If you have a job, you should do that job to the best of your abilities...as well as never doing it for free. ” 

Joker's eyes wandered off for a moment as he continued to absently stroke his fingers through her hair. Harley glanced up from where she had her arm wrapped around his calf. He was clearly thinking of something. She stayed quiet, just letting him play with her hair while he thought. She laid her cheek against his knee, closing her eyes, a small smile on her lips. 

She had to assume she had dozed off when she felt a tug on her hair. Harley looked up and rubbed her eyes. “Puddin?” 

He was grinning from ear to ear. “I have an idea.” 

* 

The next day Harley was waiting next to Joker, both of them by one of the boarded up windows of their apartment hide-out, with an old fashioned spy-glass turned toward the street. Harley was wearing a bikini, leaning on her puddin's shoulder as he used the spy-glass to study the street below. The top of her bikini was a red wrap bikini top with straps that went under her bust and cutouts above each breast. The bottom of the suit was just as skimpy, with little ties on each hip which would be easy to tug free. Over the top of bikini she wore a little lace, crocheted cover up that only seemed to accentuate the tininess of the bikini underneath. She had on a pair of shiny matching stilettos and her blonde hair was down around her shoulders, her skin slightly oiled as if she had just been laying out for a tan (though Harley had tried to protest the shoes stating that heels seemed silly when she was supposed to have been sunbathing, but Joker had only grinned telling her the postman wouldn't notice or care; all he would see would be her legs.) 

After a couple of more minutes of waiting, Harley grinned. “Oh he should be here any time now!” 

Joker made a shooing motion. “Hurry, get into position Harls!” 

Harley giggled and hurried out of the apartment. Joker could hear the tap-tap of her heels on the stairs as she made her way down the stairs to the street below. (The elevator in their apartment building didn't work either, though it didn't really matter since only Joker and Harley used the entirety of the building). 

After a couple of minutes Joker saw Harley walk out onto the street and make her way to the other building. Once there, she let herself inside to wait. It was only five minutes later that he saw the mail truck pull up and the man meeting Harley's description hopped out of the truck. Joker grinned, his smile reaching ear to ear. 

* 

Harley had just sat down on one of the steps inside when she saw the postman open the main door and slip into the building, his bag over his shoulder loaded with mail to deliver. He didn't see her at first, his attention going straight for the mailboxes lining the wall of the building. 

Harley grinned and walked over. “Oh, there you are!” 

As the man turned, his eyes very nearly bugged right out of his skull when he saw Harley, her hand up against the mailboxes, her hip cocked to the side and a big glistening red lipped smile on her face. The man grinned lopsided. “Hey.” 

“You're just the man I was looking for! I have a problem!.” Harley pouted, batting her eyes at him and wondering how the hell the man was falling for her over-the-top performance. 

“You do, Miss? I'll help if I can.” He smiled at her. 

“Oh could you?” Harley grinned, again batting her eye lashes. She was sure her over acting would clue this man in, but it was hilarious how easily he was being taken in by seeing her boobs! She reached over and took his hand, doing her best not to make a face when she touched his sweaty hand. 

Harley turned and led the postman out of the building. She noticed that he simply left his mailbag sitting on the floor. He didn't even bother to finish delivering the rest of the mail to the boxes in the apartment building before he was following her across the street and into the other building like a little eager puppy. 

Harley crossed her eyes as she stepped inside Joker's building thinking to herself that men were so easy! A scantily clad girl could ask them to follow her into oncoming traffic and they'd follow her right in front of a freaking bus if they thought there might be a chance to get into her pants. Idiots, she thought. Though the thought of her puddin brought a smile to her lips because he had never been like that. 

She continued to tug the postman along with her taking him up the stairs to the apartment where Joker was waiting. 

“So what's your name honey?” Harley asked as she led him up the stairs. 

“Oh, my name is Harold.” 

Harley grinned looking over her shoulder, catching Harold staring at her ass. “Well Harold I really appreciate you helping me out. I mean I just can't believe my packages just disappeared, especially when such a great good-looking man like you is delivering the mail! I mean, you would always do your job right?” 

Harold grinned huffing a little as Harley dragged him up the stairs. “Of course, I always do my job. Hey, ah what's your name?” 

Harley stopped at the top of the stairs. “You can call me Harley, Harold.” She giggled and winked at him. 

Harold grinned like an idiot. Harley opened the door, swinging Harold by his hand in front of her and gave him a shove inside. He stumbled, but just before he righted himself and turned around smiling, a figure stepped out from behind the door. Harold only had a moment to see a face so pale he thought it was a ghost at first with green hair, but before he could acknowledge any more than that the man from behind the door grinned and sang. 

“Hey wait a minute Mr. Postman!” 

That was the moment that the baseball bat connected with Harold's head. 

* 

When Harold woke up, the first thing he was aware of was the splitting headache. Next he realized he was tied to a chair with his hands firmly held to the arms of the chair and each ankle tied to a leg of the chair. He wasn't gagged, which surprised him. As his eyes focused he saw two people sitting on a couch in front of them. One was the blonde in the bikini from earlier, Harley, he thought she said her name was, except now she was dressed in a pair of red and black leggings, a belt hugging her hips, a pair of combat boots, also red and black, and a crop top with cap sleeves. The red and black theme continued with the top being black with red diamond shapes on it. Her hair was pulled back high in a twist held in place by two hair sticks. Beside her, with his arm around her waist, was a tall, pale ghost of a man. Harold's eyes widened. The Joker. Anyone who lived in Gotham knew the red-lipped grin of the Joker. 

Joker grinned. The psychotic clown was dressed in a black suit with a deep purple vest, white dress shirt with a dark green tie and black oxfords with white cloth spats and black leather gloves covering his hands. He was bouncing his leg that was crossed over his knee and smoking a cigarette. Harley was leaning against him stroking her fingers along his jaw, or down his neck; occasionally she would lean in and lick his cheek. Joker grinned at the licks, clearly pleased with the blonde's attentions. When she grabbed the lobe of his ear with her teeth Joker's eyes fluttered and his grin expanded a fraction beyond what Harold thought a normal person's mouth could stretch. That was when the Joker noticed Harold watching them. 

“Oh look Harls! Our guest is awake!” Joker leaned over the arm of the couch and put his cigarette out in the varnish of the table. Harley giggled. “So he is puddin.” 

Joker dropped his leg down and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. “Harold correct? I have a joke for you. A postman was retiring after thirty-five years of service. The townspeople presented him different gifts. At one house, a young lady took him to a bedroom where they had amazing sex. Then she served him a lavish lunch and then, just before she escorted him to the door, she gave him one dollar. 

“The postman asked amazingly, "Why one dollar?” The young woman smiled. “Well actually I asked my husband what to present you, and he said "Fuck him! Just give him one dollar.” But the lunch was my idea.” 

Joker and Harley both started laughing. 

She hopped to her feet wiping her eyes grinning. “So Harold. I bet you are wondering why we brought you here, eh?” she asked with a pleasant smile that didn't at all match the situation Harold found himself in. 

Harold's eyes followed the Joker who had stood and walked over to the apartment's small kitchen. Harold couldn't quite see what Joker was doing, but he could hear the sounds of things being moved around. 

Harley came to stand in front of the mail carrier, bending down at the waist to look him in the eye. “See, now here is my problem Harold. I ordered a fairly large box of teddy bears and the tracking said they were delivered, but you know what Harold? I never got my box.” Harley made a pouty face. “I really wanted those teddy bears! I had plans for them!! But you didn't deliver them.” 

Harold stuttered. “Well...ah, sometimes boxes get lost or other people steal them...sometimes. Or well, there are a lot of reasons your delivery might have been misplaced.” Harley smiled sweetly. “That's all fine and good Harold, but you know what? This isn't the first time it's happened. You have lost several of my packages.” Harley frowned tilting her head one way then the other. 

Harold paled. That was when he heard the Joker chuckle, though the clown had still not settled into view again. “So Harold, as my lovely Harley has made clear, you have really messed up. Now one way you can correct the situation is to find Harley's packages.” 

Harold paled. “I ah...I don't remember what I did with them! I sometimes sell off boxes randomly. I don't deliver them and open them, but if they ain't valuable I just toss them!” 

Harley frowned with a suddenly dangerous glint in her eyes. “Those teddy bears were valuable to me.” 

Harold heard Joker laugh. “Oh, this is perfect!” 

Harold heard Joker walk around and soon the clown was in front of him again standing beside the blonde; oddly the Joker wasn't holding anything when he came to stand in front of Harold. 

Joker smiled. “So Harold, are you saying you have no idea what happened to Harley's packages?” 

Harold's eyes darted back and forth between the two of them before he mumbled in fear. 

“I...I don't know?” 

Joker nodded. “Well, that presents a problem.” 

Joker turned and pulled the hair sticks from Harley's hair and then moved so swiftly that Harold didn't know what was happening until Joker slammed the hair sticks into the top of Harold's arms, pinning them to the chair. 

Harold gagged in pain and then started to cry loudly. Joker sighed. “So, let's ask the question again Harold. Where are my dear Harley girl's packages?” 

Harold stopped yelling, sweat rolling down his face to mix with the snot and tears as he whimpered. “I don't know!! If I couldn't sell what was in a box I just threw it away!! I swear!! I don't know!!” 

Joker sighed. “It really irritates me when someone doesn't take pride in their work. And seriously Harold, you're not even that good of a criminal either! Stealing packages? How lazy can you be? Now if you were lacing packages with...oh...” Joker flipped his hand around as he thought. “Joker venom or maybe thallium, or even something annoying like poison ivy oil...” Joker grinned at Harley... “Poison Ivy...” he repeated. Harley snickered. Joker turned back to Harold and continued. “Oh! Or something fun like switch packages with live cobras! Or a box filled with Brown Recluse spiders or Black Widow spiders!!” Joker clapped his black gloved hands with glee. 

Harley made a face. “Eww!! Puddin!! Spiders? I hate spiders!” 

Joker frowned. “Sorry pumpkin. Anyway dear Harold, the point is...no pride. Even when I was a wee green haired tike, I took pride in making sure when I set an explosion off, I caused a massive amount of damage! Right Harley?” 

Harley nodded her head. “I know what you mean puddin. No pride like in doing a job well-done.” 

“So Harold...what are our options?” Joker asked dropping down into a crouch in front of the man. 

Harold sobbed. “If...if the boxes were insured, you can file a claim.” 

Joker glanced toward Harley who shook her head with a frown. Joker shrugged. “Nope, not insured.” 

Harold's bottom lip was trembling. “I...I don't think there is anything you can do then...” 

“Well, I think Harold, I might just have to let Harley here...” Joker gestured over his shoulder at his girl. “Take her disappointment out on you. You know how women are when they get upset.” 

Harley frowned then snarled dangerously. “Puddin...” 

Joker laughed and threw his hands in the air in surrender as he stood up. “Sorry pumpkin! Just kiddin!!! Just shooting the breeze with my pal Harold here.” Joker stepped closer to Harley who was pouting and had her arms crossed over her chest. Joker ran his gloved fingers along her jaw. “Forgive me cupcake?” Joker leaned close placing little kisses on the corner of her lips and nose until Harley giggled. “Oh okay, fine—I forgive you.” 

Joker grinned brightly. “Thank you sweets. Now. Would you like some mood music sweetheart?” 

Harley smiled biting her lower lip and nodded. Joker grinned, catching the side of her throat with his hand in order to tug her closer and kiss her before he walked across the room. He stopped at the wall where the baseball bat was leaning next to a small corner table. Joker picked up the bat and tossed it to Harley who easily caught it out of the air. Joker waltzed over to where a small CD player sat and flipped through some CDs that sat on the table before placing one in the player for Harley. The sounds of Hindi Trance music started to play. Harley tapped her foot and grinned, weaving her hips and bobbing her head slightly to the beat. (They had been to a new dance club a fews weeks back where they had played this sort of dance music and Harley had been hooked ever since. Joker didn't mind, espeically after she performed a very enticing strip tease to the music). 

“Thanks puddin, that's perfect.” Joker smiled pleased with himself and blew her a kiss. Harley giggled and grabbed the invisible kiss from out of the air. 

Harley continued to giggle happily and danced closer to Harold who was staring at her. 

“What're you going to do with that?” His eyes stared wide at the bat in her hand. 

Harley giggled. “This Harold.” And Harley took a swing at his right knee. The bat connected with Harold's kneecap, making a nice snap-popping sound as the wood of the bat connected with Harold's knee. The man screamed. 

Joker clapped. “Good one Harls!! Great form on the swing, my sweets!! Loved the hip movement! I'd give you a ten out of ten!” 

Harley giggled and bowed. “Thank you puddin!! Okay, now I'm going to try over head.” 

Joker waved his hands. “Hold on sweets, like me get a drink and sit so I can watch you work.” 

Harley smile leaning on her bat. “Sure thing puddin.” 

Joker hurried into the kitchen where he pulled a bottle of Scotch from where it had been sitting on the kitchen cabinet, grabbed a glass and hurried over to the couch. He flopped down and set the glass down on the living room table before opening the bottle and pouring himself a drink. He then picked up the glass and held it up to Harley. “Go on my dear!” 

Harley giggled. 

Harold started to plead. “Please, please don't do this!! I can pay you. I'll pay whatever you want!” 

Harley raised the bat over her head and smiled at him. “Anything I want?” 

“Yes, yes anything!” Harold whimpered, snot and tears running down his face. 

Harley grinned. “I want my bears.” 

Harold blubbered. “I'll give you money to buy new ones!!” 

Harley smirked. “Sorry, not the same.” 

Harley brought her bat down on his other knee with a cringe-worthy popping sound. Harold howled. 

Harley danced back, giving the bat a few good swings through the air while Joker applauded and crowed over the sounds of Harold's agonized crying. “That was fantastic Harley!! I particularly like the little part where you wiggle your ass. Do that again for Daddy, will you sweet pea?” 

Harley giggled, her cheeks a soft pink of delight as she turned her back fully to Joker and wiggled her hips. Joker licked his lips, his eyes running down the back of her thighs. 

“That's it Harls, once you're finished with Bad Harold the postman, I want you with your legs around my neck so I can lick all of that.” He gestured with his gloved hand, taking a sip out of the glass of Scotch as he motioned to all of Harley, licking the alcohol from his lips. His eyes burned with need as he hissed: 

“Yes, hurry up dear, Daddy's hungry!!” 

Harley giggled and blushed, winking at her puddin while Harold stared in horror at her. 

“Please! I'm sorry!! I won't do it again!!” Harold cried. 

Harley frowned. “You know, I don't think you will Harold. You're the kind of lazy criminal that gives the name “bad guy” a, well...bad name. So this isn't just about my missing teddy bears, it's about the fact that Gotham deserves a different kind of criminal and lazy opportunists just bring everyone down.” 

Harley raised the bat over her head and brought it down, the wooden bat crashing onto the top of the knee she had just hit moments earlier. 

The man let out a choked scream, slobbering on himself. Harley took position in front of him and took a few practice swings. Joker sipped his drink watching her with a contented grin. She was about to swing for his head when she stopped. 

“This is going to take too long,” she muttered and held her hand out. “Gun.” 

Joker grinned, pulled his coat aside to pull out his sidearm which he quickly handed to her. She turned and aimed the weapon's barrel at Harold. Before the man could utter a word of response, she shot him in the forehead. 

Joker howled with laughter. “And here I was thinking you were going to torture him!!” 

Harley turned, grinning. “Not when you promised a lot of licking.” She giggled sticking her tongue out of the side of her mouth. Joker put his glass of Scotch down and opened his arms. “Come to papa!” 

* 

The next morning, Harold's body was found in front of Gotham's main post office with a rather large sign around his neck that read: 

Neither sleet, nor rain, nor heat of the brightest day, nor gloom of the blackest night, No evil shall escape their sight and nothing stops these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds....except this guy who screwed up his deliveries. Remember post people...deliver the damn mail. 

Love and Kisses, 

J & H

**Author's Note:**

> The motto at the end is a mix of the unofficial US postal service code and the code of the Green Lanterns.


End file.
